I love black thongs
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i drank out of a bidet.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
