my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
