Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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