my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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