I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
