We named our party play list daddy issues
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
