soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
