When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
