it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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