that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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