well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
