New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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