i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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