I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
