I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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