now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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