Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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