I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
