after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
