I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
