I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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