just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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