there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
