We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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