That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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