if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
