if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
