if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
