My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
