You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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