I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
