i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
