I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
