Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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