i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize