Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
