he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
