literally had 100 drinks last night.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
