Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
