He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
