I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
