mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
