i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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