does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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