my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize