God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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