the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
