Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I supernannyed him into submission
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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