I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
