It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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