it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
