The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
