Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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