I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
