Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
