I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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