dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
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