So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
