There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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