At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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