I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
