when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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