my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
