the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
