so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
