dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
