I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
